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| Abbott and Costello's, Turkey Sandwich and Cup of
Coffee routine Bud Abbott as Blackie Lou Costello as Heathcliff Martha Raye as both Gloria and Barbara (identical
twin waitresses) Scene opens. Blackie and
Heathcliff, having been unsuccessful at entering thru the gates of the Cal-Aero, Army Air
Corps flight training academy, enter the U.S.O. club and approach the lunch counter with
only one quarter between them and take their seats. Gloria
waits on them from behind the counter. Blackie:
I
beg your pardon. Can you tell me where the
administration building is? Gloria:
Over
there inside the gate. Blackie:
Yes? So how do you get in there to get a pass? Gloria:
Well
you can't get inside the gate without a pass, to get a pass to get inside the gate. Heathcliff:
Very
interesting and tricky. Come on. Blackie:
Yeah. Blackie and
Heathcliff begin to leave. Gloria:
Won't
you boys have something to eat? The boys
turn back and take their seats. Heathcliff:
Yes
ma'am. I would like a ... Blackie gabs
Heathcliff by the lapel and speaks to him in an aside. Blackie:
Please.
Please. What do you mean, yes ma'am. We've
only got a quarter, you know that.
Do
you understand? What's wrong with you? What's happened to you? Heathcliff:
Well
a quarter... We can get something to eat. Blackie:
Alright
well I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll order a
turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee. See.
And
I'll give you half. But if she asks you if
you want anything you just say, no I don't
care
for anything. Heathcliff:
Even
if she ask me if I care for anything? I say I
don't want nothing. Blackie:
That's
right. Heathcliff:
You
mean we're going to put something over on her. Blackie:
No.
No. No. We're not putting anything over. Heathcliff:
We're
going to sucker her. Blackie:
That's
all we have is a quarter. Heathcliff:
She'll
think we're a couple of big shots. Blackie:
That's
a boy. Heathcliff:
I
don't care for nothing. Blackie:
That's
right. The boys
turn back and face the counter. Blackie:
Give
me a turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee please. Gloria:
And
what will you have? Heathcliff:
I
don't care for nothing. Blackie:
Oh,
go ahead. Have something. Heathcliff:
Give
me a turkey sandwich. Blackie
spins around pulling both himself and Heathcliff off their stools and they speak in
another aside. Blackie:
What
did I just get through telling you? Heathcliff:
I
refused once. Didn't I? That's enough? Blackie:
I
know. But we only got a quarter. Heathcliff:
I
mean but the waitress says to have something. I
say I don't care for nothing. Then you
say,
go ahead have... Blackie:
Never
mind that. You can't order! Never mind what I say. Heathcliff:
No
matter how much you coaks me? Blackie:
No
matter how much I coaks you. You just say, I
don't want anything. Heathcliff:
I'll
say I'm filled up that's all. Blackie:
That's
all. We only got a quarter. Heathcliff
pulls Blackie closer as if revealing the truth to him. Heathcliff:
I
ain't. But I'll say, I will... Blackie:
Well
say that. Heathcliff:
OK. Blackie:
And
I 'll give you half my sandwich. Heathcliff:
OK. I don't care for nothing. And the boys
return to their seats at the counter. Blackie:
That
turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee please. Gloria:
And
what will you have? Heathcliff:
I
don't care for nothing. Blackie:
Oh
go ahead, have something. Go on, have
something. Come on, your in here to eat.
Right? Heathcliff:
Yeah. Blackie:
Go
ahead order something. Heathcliff:
Give
me some ham and eggs. Blackie
grabs Heathcliff by the lapels again and wisks them both off the stools for another aside. Blackie:
What
did I just get through telling you? Heathcliff:
What
do keep coaksing me for? Blackie:
Just
a minute. We've only got a quarter! Heathcliff:
I
know! But don't keep saying, go ahead take
something. I say I don't care for nothing.
You
say go ahead take... Blackie:
Never
mind... Never mind what I say. Just don't order anything! How were you going to
pay
for it? Heathcliff:
I'm
filled up. I don't know from nothing. That's all. Blackie:
That's
different. No matter how much I coaks you,
you don't what anything. Heathcliff:
I'm
deaf. I don't say another word. Blackie:
Now
keep quiet. You want a sandwich. You can't pay for two turkey sandwiches. Now
come
on. The boys
begin to retake their seats at the counter. Heathcliff:
I
don't want nothing. Blackie:
You
don't want anything. They turn
towards the counter and speak to Gloria. Blackie:
That
turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee please. Gloria:
And
you? Heathcliff:
I
don't care for nothing. Blackie:
Oh,
sure you do. Heathcliff:
Stop
asking me. I don't care for nothing. That's
all. I'm not in the mood to eat. Blackie:
You
told me you were hungry? Heathcliff:
I
know. I told you a lot of things. But I ain't going to eat. Blackie:
Well
are you hungry? Heathcliff:
I
beg your pardon miss but I'm not going to eat. Blackie:
You
are hungry? Now look. You in a restaurant. What do people go to a restaurant
for? Heathcliff:
Not
me. I'm just... Blackie:
What
do people got to a restaurant for? Heathcliff:
Sometimes
I wonder. Blackie:
They
go there to eat. Heathcliff:
Yeah. Blackie:
Well
that's what you're here for. Heathcliff:
That's
a wonderful word, eat. Blackie:
Well
alright. Order something. Heathcliff:
I'm
not hungry. Blackie:
Now
listen. You want people to think I'm a cheap
skate around here? Go on, order
something! Order something small. Heathcliff:
Give
me a small steak. Blackie
slaps Heathcliff in the face, grabs him by the lapels, and off the stools they go again
for another aside. Blackie:
What
did I just... What did I just get through
telling you? Heathcliff:
What
do you keep coaksing me for? Blackie:
Never
mind that coaksing! No mater how much I coaks
you, you don want anything!
Now
sit down there and behave yourself. The boys sit
down again and speak to Gloria. Blackie:
Turkey
sandwich and a cup of coffee. Gloria:
Turkey
sandwich and a cup of coffee? Yes? Heathcliff
has both hands over his mouth. And with a
questioning glance, Gloria looks his way. Blackie:
He
don't care for anything. As Gloria
turns toward the kitchen and exits, Blackie reaches over and slaps his hand over
Heathcliff's mouth as well. Blackie:
Quiet. Heathcliff
turns to get off his stool. Blackie:
Where
are you going? Heathcliff:
I'm
going to get out of here. I mean I'm going to
get nothing to eat. Blackie
pulls Heathcliff back to his stool. Blackie:
I
told you I 'd give you half. Don't worry
about it. Barbara,
Gloria's twin, enters from the kitchen carrying a coffee pot and humming an upbeat tune. She sits the pot down and approaches the boys at
the counter. Barbara:
Oh,
hi ya fellows. What'll you have? Heathcliff:
Here
we go again. Blackie:
Do
I have to write it down for you? Barbara:
Oh,
smart guy. Barbara
suddenly notices Heathcliff. Barbara:
Hey,
you're kind of cute. Blackie:
Never
mind that. Where's my turkey sandwich and cup
of coffee? Barbara:
Turkey
sandwich and cup of coffee. OK. Barbara
immediately makes 2 clicking sounds as if to start a horse. And places a piece of cake on plate and slides it
towards Heathcliff. Barbara:
That's
for you. Barbara
exits to the kitchen. Heathcliff:
Hey
Blackie. She gave me the cake for nothing. That don't mean we're engaged, does it? Blackie:
Oh
certainly not. Heathcliff:
I'm
too young to fall in love. Gloria
re-enters from the kitchen with the turkey sandwich and a gives it to Blackie. Gloria:
Here's
your turkey sandwich. Blackie:
Thanks. Gloria:
I... I'm sorry I took so long. Blackie:
Oh,
that's alright. Gloria:
I
hope you enjoy it. Blackie:
I
will. Gloria
notices that Heathcliff is about to bite into the piece of cake. Gloria:
Ah,
that will cost you ten cents, please. Heathcliff:
You
just give it to me for nothing. Gloria pulls
the plate out of his hands. Gloria:
I'm
sorry there must be some mistake. Heathcliff:
Indian
giver. Gloria turns
her attention back towards Blackie. Gloria:
Do
you like cranberries? Blackie:
Oh,
sure. Gloria:
I
do too. I'll get you some. Blackie:
Alright. Gloria turns
and exits back to the kitchen. Heathcliff:
I
thought she liked me. Blackie:
What
do you mean. Be quiet. Barbara
re-enters from the kitchen. Barbara:
We
ain't got no more turkey. Blackie
looks down, puzzled at the turkey sandwich right in front of him. While Barbara notices that Heathcliff hasn't
touched the cake. Barbara:
What's
a matter with the cake? Why
aren't you eating the cake? Heathcliff:
I
lost my appetite. Barbara:
Well
is there anything else I can do for you? Heathcliff:
Yes
there is. Is there anyway you can sneek us
through the gate? Barbara:
Well
its a... Well, its against the rules... But the guy is a friend of mine. I guess
I
can kind of fix it for you. Heathcliff
turns to Blackie. Heathcliff:
Now
she likes me again. Blackie:
Hey,
what is this? Barbara:
Wait. I'll go get my hat. Barbara
starts to exit then turns back and pushes the cake back towards Heathcliff making those 2
clicking sounds again as if to start a horse. Barbara:
Go
on, eat the cake. Its on me. Barbara turns and exits. Heathcliff:
What
is she? Chewing tobacco? Blackie:
No. She only went like... Blackie now
makes similar clicking sounds with his mouth full of turkey sandwich. Blackie:
Like
that. Heathcliff:
Oh,
rides a horse. Blackie:
What? Go ahead, eat the cake. They both
begin to eat as Gloria re-enters with a small bowl of cranberries. Gloria:
Here's
your cranberries. Blackie:
Thanks
alot. Heathcliff:
...ats
good. Gloria
notices Heathcliff is starting to eat the cake. Gloria:
I
said, that will be ten cents please. Heathcliff:
You
just give me the cake for nothing when you went out to get your hat. Gloria:
Hat? What hat? Heathcliff:
When
you said you was going to sneek us through the gate. Gloria:
I
never told you I was going to sneek you throught any gate. Blackie
looks puzzled and Heathcliff slides the cake plate back towards Gloria in disgust. Heathcliff:
First
you tell me I can have the cake for nothing. Then
you tell me a can't have the cake
for
nothing. Then you tell me there ain't no
turkey. Then there is turkey. Then you're
going
to sneek us through the gate. Now you're not
going to sneek us through the gate. Heathcliff
now slaps out a cadence on the counter with his hand. Heathcliff:
Why
- don't - you - make - up - your - mind! Gloria:
How
dare you yell at me! Gloria takes
the cake, places it behind the counter and exits in a huff. Heathcliff turns to Blackie. Heathcliff:
I'm
a brutt, huh? Blackie:
Well... Heathcliff:
You
going to give me half? Blackie:
Oh,
alright. Blackie
offers the plate with the sandwich to Heathcliff as Barbara re-enters with her hat on. Barbara:
Well
come on fellows, got my hat. Let's hit
the road. The boys now
completely shocked by her apparent abrupt change in attitude once again, drop the plate,
the sandwich goes flying, and the boys fall all over each other trying to beat a quick
exit. Heathcliff:
Let's
get out of here. I don't care... And the boys
hussle each other out of there, knocking over some hapless soldier on the way. End of scene. |